"yet if we are bold, love strikes away the chains of fear from our souls."

you know how some non-christians believe in God for like
a split second when something good happens to them?
Like people who normally don't believe in a god or God will
sometimes see something so miraculous that for a moment
they believe there might be something out there?
it's interesting because we, christians, know God exists,
we believe God exists and can usually see his work in our lives.
well i believe that some christians, like myself, can sometimes
be the same way about the devil. some days are so
incredibly bad that we really see satan's work even though
really his work is everywhere, all the time. but we only
recognize it sometimes. i'm not sure if that makes sense...
let's make it personal! haha
so lately i've been beyond stressed out. like some days i'm fine
and then the next moment i cannot see the future at all.
yesterday and today have been especially bad. and i ultimately
just blamed it on the devil. i mean everything is sooo bad
right now...there isn't anyone to blame it on. which is
weird. well i guess i could blame it on God, but then
i'd be a bad christian...so i blame it on the devil. what is up
with that?

really the person i should blame is myself.
which leads into my next thought...
i feel like such a girl. its most likely the hormones because
really i'm not usually a very girlish girl. i feel stupid when i do
something really girly. like feel insecure or doubt myself...
i'm 110 pounds. that's not fat. but for some reason i'm fat.
it comes and goes. i don't dwell on my fatness but some days
i just cannot understand it. then i just feel lazy.
another thing that makes me feel girly is the fact that lately
i've been feeling really needy. like i need someone.
like it's not really the boy or the boyfriend that i want/need.
it's whoever will give me a hug, or rub my back, or ask me if i
i'm okay. i realize my friends could do this for me...but there is something
about a boy, whose life has nothing to do with mine, who will
actually care about me.
yeah...its definitely the hormones. and the fact that it's january
and we're doing a sex series at youth group.
i'm all for it really. it's just...it's not like i'm getting multiple
opportunities to have sex....but i actually like the sex series.
i like the fact that men need women. people always think about
women as being needy and men being needed. while that's true,
i always love when a man needs a women. i think deep down, there
is a desire in all women to be needed by a man. we're comforters and
encouragers as women. so to be able to help a man who usually
doesn't ask for help is fulfilling to us. i just love love love that.
that adam needed eve. man was not meant to be alone.

so i'm leaving for a trip to ethiopia in two weeks. so i'm
being the responsible student and talking to all my
teachers and stuff. which i hate. i hate talking to teachers. so much.
and this whole time i'm talking to my teachers and doing all this stuff...
all i'm thinking is 'you know what? screw responsibility'
i really just want to do something completely irresponsible.
but...they only thing i could think of was drinking an entire
bottle of...sparkling cider. yeah exactly. i don't even know how
to do something 'bad'. and it's not like i want to brag about
how i'm such a goody two shoes because i'm not. i just think
that it's really sad that i'm 17 and i don't know how to do something
irresponsible. i could probably drink some alcohol or smoke some
cigarettes but to be honest that sounds disgusting to me. so
i'd just be hurting myself.

so yeah...ethiopia. it's going to be so weird. i haven't been back
in like eight years almost nine. i've changed so much. but the
thing is, ethiopia made me who i am. so it will be interesting going
back. i've definitely become really 'americanized' so...i don't know
how that will affect things. i'm kind of nervous.

i think i've talked myself out.
so...

"yet if we are bold, love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls." - maya angelou