"oh Lord, why did you forsake me? oh Lord, don't be far away away, storm clouds gathering beside me, please Lord, don't look the other way"

i can't shake it these feelings:

discouraged.
defeated.
numb.
guilty.
ashamed.
scared.
nervous.
alive.
invisible.
weak.
confused.
deserted.
static.
uncertain.
worried.
doubtful.
embarrassed.
anxious.
broken.
still.
exhausted.
discontent.
afraid.
exasperated.

i am a:

volcano.

insomnia.

12:12 AM. i did it again.
i feel like i'm under a huge amount of water.
and i can't swim.
i'm just being swept along.
forced under the current.

it's a physical fear. i can't fix this.
not now. i can't do it.
now i'm just waiting.
for courage.
for the right moment.
for the right person.

but i know it won't happen.
i can't deal with it.
i'm too scared.
i'm too scarred.