discouraged.
defeated.
numb.
guilty.
ashamed.
scared.
nervous.
alive.
invisible.
weak.
confused.
deserted.
static.
uncertain.
worried.
doubtful.
embarrassed.
anxious.
broken.
still.
exhausted.
discontent.
afraid.
exasperated.
i am a:
volcano.
14 October 2009
"oh Lord, why did you forsake me? oh Lord, don't be far away away, storm clouds gathering beside me, please Lord, don't look the other way"
i can't shake it these feelings:
discouraged.
defeated.
numb.
guilty.
ashamed.
scared.
nervous.
alive.
invisible.
weak.
confused.
deserted.
static.
uncertain.
worried.
doubtful.
embarrassed.
anxious.
broken.
still.
exhausted.
discontent.
afraid.
exasperated.
i am a:
volcano.
discouraged.
defeated.
numb.
guilty.
ashamed.
scared.
nervous.
alive.
invisible.
weak.
confused.
deserted.
static.
uncertain.
worried.
doubtful.
embarrassed.
anxious.
broken.
still.
exhausted.
discontent.
afraid.
exasperated.
i am a:
volcano.
12 October 2009
insomnia.
12:12 AM. i did it again.
i feel like i'm under a huge amount of water.
and i can't swim.
i'm just being swept along.
forced under the current.
it's a physical fear. i can't fix this.
not now. i can't do it.
now i'm just waiting.
for courage.
for the right moment.
for the right person.
but i know it won't happen.
i can't deal with it.
i'm too scared.
i'm too scarred.
i feel like i'm under a huge amount of water.
and i can't swim.
i'm just being swept along.
forced under the current.
it's a physical fear. i can't fix this.
not now. i can't do it.
now i'm just waiting.
for courage.
for the right moment.
for the right person.
but i know it won't happen.
i can't deal with it.
i'm too scared.
i'm too scarred.
23 September 2009
first day of college.
i hate it. college. my life. i hate it. there are moments when i love the fact that i'm alive, but that doesn't mean i love the life i'm living.
i feel like i just had super high expectations or something. and they all came crashing down. in fact, i think i can still hear them falling, failing, screaming 'fuck you' all the way down.
maybe it was the fact that i got in my car [the same car i've been driving for that last three years]
or that i then drove the same roads i've been driving for the last four years. or maybe it was the fact that i talked to maybe four people today. including: the financial aid lady who so nicely told em that i had been standing in the wrong line for that last fifteen minutes, the librarian who showed me where my next class was, and the girl who made my peanut butter energizer smoothie. that's three people. 3! wow...what an excellent start.
so now, i'm sitting here pondering why the heck i'm even doing this to myself.
a) the alternative really isn't appealing. [nothing is appealing]
b) society has decided that really you need a master's degree in order to do anything besides flipping burgers at micky d's. or as it were, making pizzas at little caesars.
which actually, as exampled (?) by my mother, the master's degree doesn't exactly get you your dream job. maybe it's a doctorate that you need in order to be content with your life and avoid the sucking pit of little caesars and disappointment.
c) avoid responsibility and the ticking crocodile as long as possible.
i mean really, what is the purpose of this?
i don't know.
so over all, i don't mind my classes [okay, that's a lie]
the real reason for all this anger is...
i'm lonely.
the whole day, i just wished i could have a friend with me. someone i knew.
not some girl i went to high school with but really we never actually talked.
someone i really knew. a friend.
and the most horrible thing is...i don't know how to fix it.
i know what you all would say..."well michelle, you're just going to have to say hi to someone"
but you know what?
i'm throwing an all out two year old kicking, screaming, crying, beating the floor, tantrum.
yelling: I DON'T WANT TO.
life shouldn't be this hard.
i feel like i just had super high expectations or something. and they all came crashing down. in fact, i think i can still hear them falling, failing, screaming 'fuck you' all the way down.
maybe it was the fact that i got in my car [the same car i've been driving for that last three years]
or that i then drove the same roads i've been driving for the last four years. or maybe it was the fact that i talked to maybe four people today. including: the financial aid lady who so nicely told em that i had been standing in the wrong line for that last fifteen minutes, the librarian who showed me where my next class was, and the girl who made my peanut butter energizer smoothie. that's three people. 3! wow...what an excellent start.
so now, i'm sitting here pondering why the heck i'm even doing this to myself.
a) the alternative really isn't appealing. [nothing is appealing]
b) society has decided that really you need a master's degree in order to do anything besides flipping burgers at micky d's. or as it were, making pizzas at little caesars.
which actually, as exampled (?) by my mother, the master's degree doesn't exactly get you your dream job. maybe it's a doctorate that you need in order to be content with your life and avoid the sucking pit of little caesars and disappointment.
c) avoid responsibility and the ticking crocodile as long as possible.
i mean really, what is the purpose of this?
i don't know.
so over all, i don't mind my classes [okay, that's a lie]
the real reason for all this anger is...
i'm lonely.
the whole day, i just wished i could have a friend with me. someone i knew.
not some girl i went to high school with but really we never actually talked.
someone i really knew. a friend.
and the most horrible thing is...i don't know how to fix it.
i know what you all would say..."well michelle, you're just going to have to say hi to someone"
but you know what?
i'm throwing an all out two year old kicking, screaming, crying, beating the floor, tantrum.
yelling: I DON'T WANT TO.
life shouldn't be this hard.
april 29, 2007: the end of a friendship.
title: april 29, 2007
i finally took down the pictures in my room.
the memories.
they're gone now.
the classic one. my tongue is out. your hair is huge. the ice cream is practically overflowing with cavities.
it's gone.
i couldn't look at them anymore.
they were taunting me.
i go on walks sometimes. around the neighborhood.
it's like i can't get away. every spot has a memory.
the spot where i totally tripped over myself and lost my shoe.
the corner where we met everytime.
the spot where you told me you couldn't be my friend anymore.
the same place where i told you i cut myself.
the swings. the swings where we shared our hearts, gossiped and grew up together.
i go to these places with someone else now. and so do you. but each time, i remember.
and each time...i try hard to forget.
you're a different person now. all tattooed and pierced.
searching for something.
i'm not even sure i want to know that person.
i took the pictures down.
and i forgot our memories.
i finally took down the pictures in my room.
the memories.
they're gone now.
the classic one. my tongue is out. your hair is huge. the ice cream is practically overflowing with cavities.
it's gone.
i couldn't look at them anymore.
they were taunting me.
i go on walks sometimes. around the neighborhood.
it's like i can't get away. every spot has a memory.
the spot where i totally tripped over myself and lost my shoe.
the corner where we met everytime.
the spot where you told me you couldn't be my friend anymore.
the same place where i told you i cut myself.
the swings. the swings where we shared our hearts, gossiped and grew up together.
i go to these places with someone else now. and so do you. but each time, i remember.
and each time...i try hard to forget.
you're a different person now. all tattooed and pierced.
searching for something.
i'm not even sure i want to know that person.
i took the pictures down.
and i forgot our memories.
25 May 2009
ripped and raw: honesty
I can’t do this anymore. I feel like I’m going to start crying all the time. I though it was just a phase but it has lasted for like two weeks. This depressing mood. It is starting to scare me. I’m starting to feel some of those old feelings again. Sometimes late at night, I think about it. I stop myself, but the fact that I’m thinking about it really scares me. I’m getting that feeling like I really need to talk to someone, but every time I try, I fail miserably. I don’t bring it up. I don’t even know how. Especially now, I feel like I should be able to talk someone, but I feel like I need to be super happy and fun all the time. But I don’t even know how to bring it up. I don’t want to tell them everything, I’m too scared. I feel like they wouldn’t know how to handle it. It’s like this volcano. It is going to explode. I keep burying things deep down. And I know I need to let it out, I just don’t have the time or energy. I also don’t know who to talk to. I don’t want to talk to my parents. I tried it didn’t really work. I kind of want to talk to someone who doesn’t know me. But I don’t know who. And I feel like if it was the right moment and the right time, maybe I could talk, but I don’t want to ruin anyone’s mood or mess anything up. I am just really scared.
When I got my UW letter, I felt like I got slapped in the face. I was really confused and frustrated. Then I appealed, gathering all of my confidence again. Then I got rejected again. Slap in the face number two. Now it feels like I’m getting slapped in the face every time I have to tell someone that hopefully I am going to go to Eastern. I haven’t even been freaking accepted yet. I have no plans. Who knows I may not be going to college. Because according to how things have been going lately, nothing I planned and nothing I want to happen is going to happen. Like absolutely nothing I have planned for myself is going to happen. That is really hard to swallow. Like sometimes I’ll get little reminders of something I want to do, and I’ll think to myself, oh I can do that when I go to college. Oh wait…I’m not leaving. I’m not doing anything. I’m stuck here. I didn’t plan this.
Practically everyone I know has a plan and life is going good for them except for me. I really hate it. I feel so alone. When I think about after graduation, I don’t see anything. I can’t see past next Friday at all. I don’t even have a job because I fail at that too. I applied at this one place where I would really like to work, but I feel like just because I do want to work there, I won’t get it, because nothing I want is happening for me.
I hate that I am so closed off to everyone. I hate that I’ve done this to myself. Like I have no one to talk to and it is all my fault. Like, I usually try to find an answer, I will feel completely hopeless, then I will have a good cry and night of breaking down and then I will figure out an answer. But I cannot find an answer. I can’t think of anything that will make me satisfied for now. It never ends, this disappointment never ends.
I have never felt so hopeless before. I had always looked to college as a big change, as a change to something better. Like my life here will end, and something new will start. I will be a new person. But that isn't going to happen. That is the worst part, not knowing when this feeling will go away. I just want it to end. I want for everything to be alright.
21 April 2009
i don't know what i'm doing...
started: march 31, 2009.
some people call me resilient,
but i'm not sure i know what that means.
maybe it's like that saying 'i'm rubber and you're
glue and whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks
to you'
but...to me that just sounds like cowardice.
like i'm too big to face my pain, so i'm just going
to pretend like it didn't happen. is that admirable?
i don't think so.
but because of this 'label' i feel incredibly stupid
when i don't feel resilient. when i let something affect
me.
did i cry when i was rejected from uw?
yes.
yes, i did.
i feel like i just got slapped in the face. or shot in the heart.
i think what hurts the most is, that for all my applications,
you have to write papers boasting about yourself, about
how you are SO awesome, and you totally deserve to go
to this school. it took me a long time to get to that place where
i actually believed that. i believed that i was special.
it took a long time to get there. it was very hard.
so as time went by, waiting for a response, i would think
of all the people i knew who had been accepted, and i
would think of all the ways i was better then them and then
i convinced myself i would surely get in.
but i didn't.
i didn't!
and for a single moment, i thought i was special and unique
and good enough. for a moment, i felt like something good
would happen.
restarted: april 21, 2009
so...about three weeks later, and i have yet to write this damn appeal. i don't know what is stopping me. i've lost my motivation.
i've realized i didn't have this huge passion to go to uw. i mean, i wanted to go there, but as i think about, i have absolutely no
idea why. especially when comparing all the schools together: uw, seattle pacific, and western, there really isn't a huge draw to
any of them. basically, wherever i go, i'm going to be completely out of my comfort zone. i'm going to have to step it up, and i don't really want to do that.
the worst part is trying to explain all this to my parents. when i'm dealing with stuff, i don't really talk about it. this just kills my parents.
they circle around like vultures, just waiting for a vulnerable moment. then they dive in. especially my dad. when i want to talk, i'll talk, but
then he just takes it one step further, and i completely regret ever opening my mouth.
i feel like i was moving so fast. like senior year started, and i was all into my classes, and i was on top of all my college applications
(apparently not enough however) and then second semester started, and it all just kind of slowed down. not in a good way.
it just got extremely hard to be responsible. the whole waiting period began, and i just kind of lost my momentum.
then i thought everything would be done and decided by now. and then this whole uw thing screwed everything up. now i have to keep going,
and i don't think i want to.
it's not like i'm tired. i sort of am now. but it's more like i have a life. i haven't had one for so long.
because of this appeal, it's caused me to really evaluate my life. which includes digging up feelings, emotions, that i'd buried as far away as possible.
it's been interesting, but more painful than anything. my parents don't really understand how huge it is. i could do a half-ass job but i don't do things
that way. i can't not tell the truth.
so i was sick for a long time. which i have to explain. not fun.
but what was really hard, was getting better. it's not all kicks and giggles.
i was so sick, i kind of stepped out of life for awhile. but the thing is, my life didn't stop for me. it's not like everything just waited for me to care again.
as i started to come back to my life, i awoke to a dead life. my relationships had grown dry. i was completely
disconnected.
so i'm just now starting to fix everything. i don't want to leave it. it would screw everything up again.
i think the conclusion is: i don't know.
i don't know what i'm doing now.
i don't know what i'm doing two months from now.
i don't know what i'm doing ever.
i don't know.
this whole thing is confusing, and definitely more for me. so you can just not read it. ever.
some people call me resilient,
but i'm not sure i know what that means.
maybe it's like that saying 'i'm rubber and you're
glue and whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks
to you'
but...to me that just sounds like cowardice.
like i'm too big to face my pain, so i'm just going
to pretend like it didn't happen. is that admirable?
i don't think so.
but because of this 'label' i feel incredibly stupid
when i don't feel resilient. when i let something affect
me.
did i cry when i was rejected from uw?
yes.
yes, i did.
i feel like i just got slapped in the face. or shot in the heart.
i think what hurts the most is, that for all my applications,
you have to write papers boasting about yourself, about
how you are SO awesome, and you totally deserve to go
to this school. it took me a long time to get to that place where
i actually believed that. i believed that i was special.
it took a long time to get there. it was very hard.
so as time went by, waiting for a response, i would think
of all the people i knew who had been accepted, and i
would think of all the ways i was better then them and then
i convinced myself i would surely get in.
but i didn't.
i didn't!
and for a single moment, i thought i was special and unique
and good enough. for a moment, i felt like something good
would happen.
restarted: april 21, 2009
so...about three weeks later, and i have yet to write this damn appeal. i don't know what is stopping me. i've lost my motivation.
i've realized i didn't have this huge passion to go to uw. i mean, i wanted to go there, but as i think about, i have absolutely no
idea why. especially when comparing all the schools together: uw, seattle pacific, and western, there really isn't a huge draw to
any of them. basically, wherever i go, i'm going to be completely out of my comfort zone. i'm going to have to step it up, and i don't really want to do that.
the worst part is trying to explain all this to my parents. when i'm dealing with stuff, i don't really talk about it. this just kills my parents.
they circle around like vultures, just waiting for a vulnerable moment. then they dive in. especially my dad. when i want to talk, i'll talk, but
then he just takes it one step further, and i completely regret ever opening my mouth.
i feel like i was moving so fast. like senior year started, and i was all into my classes, and i was on top of all my college applications
(apparently not enough however) and then second semester started, and it all just kind of slowed down. not in a good way.
it just got extremely hard to be responsible. the whole waiting period began, and i just kind of lost my momentum.
then i thought everything would be done and decided by now. and then this whole uw thing screwed everything up. now i have to keep going,
and i don't think i want to.
it's not like i'm tired. i sort of am now. but it's more like i have a life. i haven't had one for so long.
because of this appeal, it's caused me to really evaluate my life. which includes digging up feelings, emotions, that i'd buried as far away as possible.
it's been interesting, but more painful than anything. my parents don't really understand how huge it is. i could do a half-ass job but i don't do things
that way. i can't not tell the truth.
so i was sick for a long time. which i have to explain. not fun.
but what was really hard, was getting better. it's not all kicks and giggles.
i was so sick, i kind of stepped out of life for awhile. but the thing is, my life didn't stop for me. it's not like everything just waited for me to care again.
as i started to come back to my life, i awoke to a dead life. my relationships had grown dry. i was completely
disconnected.
so i'm just now starting to fix everything. i don't want to leave it. it would screw everything up again.
i think the conclusion is: i don't know.
i don't know what i'm doing now.
i don't know what i'm doing two months from now.
i don't know what i'm doing ever.
i don't know.
this whole thing is confusing, and definitely more for me. so you can just not read it. ever.
19 January 2009
"yet if we are bold, love strikes away the chains of fear from our souls."
you know how some non-christians believe in God for like
a split second when something good happens to them?
Like people who normally don't believe in a god or God will
sometimes see something so miraculous that for a moment
they believe there might be something out there?
it's interesting because we, christians, know God exists,
we believe God exists and can usually see his work in our lives.
well i believe that some christians, like myself, can sometimes
be the same way about the devil. some days are so
incredibly bad that we really see satan's work even though
really his work is everywhere, all the time. but we only
recognize it sometimes. i'm not sure if that makes sense...
let's make it personal! haha
so lately i've been beyond stressed out. like some days i'm fine
and then the next moment i cannot see the future at all.
yesterday and today have been especially bad. and i ultimately
just blamed it on the devil. i mean everything is sooo bad
right now...there isn't anyone to blame it on. which is
weird. well i guess i could blame it on God, but then
i'd be a bad christian...so i blame it on the devil. what is up
with that?
really the person i should blame is myself.
which leads into my next thought...
i feel like such a girl. its most likely the hormones because
really i'm not usually a very girlish girl. i feel stupid when i do
something really girly. like feel insecure or doubt myself...
i'm 110 pounds. that's not fat. but for some reason i'm fat.
it comes and goes. i don't dwell on my fatness but some days
i just cannot understand it. then i just feel lazy.
another thing that makes me feel girly is the fact that lately
i've been feeling really needy. like i need someone.
like it's not really the boy or the boyfriend that i want/need.
it's whoever will give me a hug, or rub my back, or ask me if i
i'm okay. i realize my friends could do this for me...but there is something
about a boy, whose life has nothing to do with mine, who will
actually care about me.
yeah...its definitely the hormones. and the fact that it's january
and we're doing a sex series at youth group.
i'm all for it really. it's just...it's not like i'm getting multiple
opportunities to have sex....but i actually like the sex series.
i like the fact that men need women. people always think about
women as being needy and men being needed. while that's true,
i always love when a man needs a women. i think deep down, there
is a desire in all women to be needed by a man. we're comforters and
encouragers as women. so to be able to help a man who usually
doesn't ask for help is fulfilling to us. i just love love love that.
that adam needed eve. man was not meant to be alone.
so i'm leaving for a trip to ethiopia in two weeks. so i'm
being the responsible student and talking to all my
teachers and stuff. which i hate. i hate talking to teachers. so much.
and this whole time i'm talking to my teachers and doing all this stuff...
all i'm thinking is 'you know what? screw responsibility'
i really just want to do something completely irresponsible.
but...they only thing i could think of was drinking an entire
bottle of...sparkling cider. yeah exactly. i don't even know how
to do something 'bad'. and it's not like i want to brag about
how i'm such a goody two shoes because i'm not. i just think
that it's really sad that i'm 17 and i don't know how to do something
irresponsible. i could probably drink some alcohol or smoke some
cigarettes but to be honest that sounds disgusting to me. so
i'd just be hurting myself.
so yeah...ethiopia. it's going to be so weird. i haven't been back
in like eight years almost nine. i've changed so much. but the
thing is, ethiopia made me who i am. so it will be interesting going
back. i've definitely become really 'americanized' so...i don't know
how that will affect things. i'm kind of nervous.
i think i've talked myself out.
so...
"yet if we are bold, love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls." - maya angelou
a split second when something good happens to them?
Like people who normally don't believe in a god or God will
sometimes see something so miraculous that for a moment
they believe there might be something out there?
it's interesting because we, christians, know God exists,
we believe God exists and can usually see his work in our lives.
well i believe that some christians, like myself, can sometimes
be the same way about the devil. some days are so
incredibly bad that we really see satan's work even though
really his work is everywhere, all the time. but we only
recognize it sometimes. i'm not sure if that makes sense...
let's make it personal! haha
so lately i've been beyond stressed out. like some days i'm fine
and then the next moment i cannot see the future at all.
yesterday and today have been especially bad. and i ultimately
just blamed it on the devil. i mean everything is sooo bad
right now...there isn't anyone to blame it on. which is
weird. well i guess i could blame it on God, but then
i'd be a bad christian...so i blame it on the devil. what is up
with that?
really the person i should blame is myself.
which leads into my next thought...
i feel like such a girl. its most likely the hormones because
really i'm not usually a very girlish girl. i feel stupid when i do
something really girly. like feel insecure or doubt myself...
i'm 110 pounds. that's not fat. but for some reason i'm fat.
it comes and goes. i don't dwell on my fatness but some days
i just cannot understand it. then i just feel lazy.
another thing that makes me feel girly is the fact that lately
i've been feeling really needy. like i need someone.
like it's not really the boy or the boyfriend that i want/need.
it's whoever will give me a hug, or rub my back, or ask me if i
i'm okay. i realize my friends could do this for me...but there is something
about a boy, whose life has nothing to do with mine, who will
actually care about me.
yeah...its definitely the hormones. and the fact that it's january
and we're doing a sex series at youth group.
i'm all for it really. it's just...it's not like i'm getting multiple
opportunities to have sex....but i actually like the sex series.
i like the fact that men need women. people always think about
women as being needy and men being needed. while that's true,
i always love when a man needs a women. i think deep down, there
is a desire in all women to be needed by a man. we're comforters and
encouragers as women. so to be able to help a man who usually
doesn't ask for help is fulfilling to us. i just love love love that.
that adam needed eve. man was not meant to be alone.
so i'm leaving for a trip to ethiopia in two weeks. so i'm
being the responsible student and talking to all my
teachers and stuff. which i hate. i hate talking to teachers. so much.
and this whole time i'm talking to my teachers and doing all this stuff...
all i'm thinking is 'you know what? screw responsibility'
i really just want to do something completely irresponsible.
but...they only thing i could think of was drinking an entire
bottle of...sparkling cider. yeah exactly. i don't even know how
to do something 'bad'. and it's not like i want to brag about
how i'm such a goody two shoes because i'm not. i just think
that it's really sad that i'm 17 and i don't know how to do something
irresponsible. i could probably drink some alcohol or smoke some
cigarettes but to be honest that sounds disgusting to me. so
i'd just be hurting myself.
so yeah...ethiopia. it's going to be so weird. i haven't been back
in like eight years almost nine. i've changed so much. but the
thing is, ethiopia made me who i am. so it will be interesting going
back. i've definitely become really 'americanized' so...i don't know
how that will affect things. i'm kind of nervous.
i think i've talked myself out.
so...
"yet if we are bold, love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls." - maya angelou
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