old blogs...from myspace.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008
title: for a friend who is lost

okay, so i know we haven't talked in awhile and i'm probably completely out of line...
but what has happened?
i realize you've changed...but really? do you really want to hang out with people who probably aren't good for you?
i don't know, i probably shouldn't but i care about you. you probably think its weird, like oh michelle likes me...but i don't,
but i really do care what happens to you.
i know you've been through a lot, but that doesn't mean you have to go the wrong way. and maybe it isn't the wrong way, maybe you connect with these people, maybe they're good for you, but from what i see...you're lost.
i just hope you can realize that there are people out there who will be your friend without you having to prove yourself. i care about you no matter what...and it actually hurts me to hear about what you are choosing. i don't know why. i don't want to feel this way, but i do. i can't help it.

i guess...
you should have chosen me.

you deserve so much more, someone better. i remember, you may forget, but i remember how you were before. i miss you. why can't you just realize it? you were not a bad person. i get that you've changed...but why'd you have to change so much? why can't we still be friends? why is it, that in your big change, i was left behind?


p.s. so i wrote this blog for my friend taylor...but it could go for multiple people
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Monday, August 25, 2008
title: we all make mistakes, here's your lifeline

okay, so you know how there are the different stages
of grief? like you know, denial, anger, blame, sadness
etc... well i feel like there are different stages of depression
not stages perse, but like hm...i don't really
know how to explain it...okay, i feel like
depression takes a certain stage of grief, whether you're
grieving or not and magnifies it times like a million.
for some people it may be sadness, for some anger and
for some denial. does this make sense? i don't know... like..i know people who either are depressed or have been depressed... and they all show it in different ways. anger, denial, sadness...that is just interesting to me. anyway..............

in other news...
haha. so i wrote this song. and my friend "made" me sing it so she could record it. and um...well yeah i don't know if i'm gonna put it up or not. it's kind of... i don't know, not what anyone would expect...
i mean, my parents haven't even heard it...that's kind of weird right?
and i'm like SO self conscious about it cuz like i know a lot of good musicians and it just kind of pales in comparison... ha ha oh the troubles of me.
i'm gonna go now.

updated: september 7, 2008
i've decided to just update this one since it's so short...
what to talk about hmm...

i sort of compartmentalize my life...is that normal? i don't think it is, i mean i separate my life into sections but then i kind of separate those sections even more. i really don't think that's normal. if you were looking at me face to face, you'd probably have a look that said "okay michelle let's change the subject"
so i will....
i started school this past week. it's weird and different. as always. i always take so long to adjust to something new. but then once it changes again i miss it. i feel like junior year was like a vacation from my real life. let me explain...sophomore year was great, well sort of, my friends were the same, we all hung out, had pretty much all the same classes...um...this is like really hard to explain. okay so then at the end of the year it just ended really weird and then junior year was totally different, i was on a different path a sort of side path. i made different friends. and now this year it's like i'm coming back to the end of sophomore year it's like it stopped while i was gone and now i have to start back where i was, which was not exactly in the greatest place. i don't know...it's just different.
it's weird coming back into a relationship that has this huge separation between us filled with all these unsaid things...it's like we're too tired to even face it.

it's also weird being a senior. at the end of last year, watching friends graduate, i wasn't really jealous, i didn't feel ready to move on with my life. but the very first day back at school, i was just hit with this wave of "senioritis". it's like watching everyone else go through their senior year, it moved fast for me watching them, but actually doing it myself, i don't know how to even start. it's going to be a long year.

and then there is the issue of boys...but i don't want to go there, just going to say it's there. definitely there.

i'm reading through blue like jazz by donald miller for like the third time. i absolutely love it. i've always loved the style of writing, but i'm at a place where i'm relating to it more than ever before. you should read it. whoever you are.
that's another thing...this blog thing is weird. i've never been a very open person so i always feel weird writing on this. it's like i'm purposely trying to get people to listen to me. which isn't a bad thing. i mean people don't naturally listen to other people talk [write] about their problems. sometimes you have to reach out to let people know you need help you know? people aren't going to see your scarred hands if they're hiding under your sleeves. but it's just weird...because maybe you need help in that moment, or you're willing to accept help in that moment, but after that moment passes, you don't know what to do. what are you supposed to do. along the same line, i think it'd be really hard to do the whole rehab thing, because i mean the "intervention" would be all "oh we want to help you" and then you feel all encouraged but once you pass that euphoria, it's all on you to help yourself...it's interesting stuff. :) i'm so weird. that's ultimately what i want to do though. work in a rehab center or something of the sort. but i don't know if i want to work directly with the addicts...i think i want to work with like the family or the "loved" ones being indirectly affected by the addiction. i think it'd be interesting.
okay i'm done now. i think. for now. ;)
thanks for reading.

OH almost forgot...the song. oh goodness. it's SO weird. i mean i think 3 people have heard it. it's weird, i don't know how to react when people hear it or talk to me about it...but yeah...it's kind of personal but i'm proud of it.

okay really done now. buh bye!
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Thursday, March 27, 2008
title: take this sinking boat and point it home...

i feel like i haven't been living
i don't know how and now i'm stuck in this place
with no friends, no energy, and no voice
i've refused to admit that i'm in this place though
even now i feel myself in denial and it feels like
everything comes right down to talking, being open and not
being fake, not pretending ot be okay and not hiding away
it is so engrained in me to fake everything
i don't even know how to be real
i just can't talk to anyone
i mean i need to
i'm losing my friends
i'm driving my health to shit doing mindless things that don't matter
just to avoid confrontation, just to avoid the truth
i live through a day just to get through the next
does that make sense?
when i go through a day, my mind isn't on whats going on
its as far as a week ahead thinking of what i need to get done to finish
i don't even know where i'm heading, i'm just trying to get there

who am i to think that i'm happy?
i'm not okay and i don't know how to fix it
the one person who i thought maybe i could talk to
thinks they are just like me but really they aren't.
i mean they can't just tell me that and then move on, you don't just tell
someone you connect with them with no follow up.
sure maybe i screwed it up but it goes both ways.
they have a great life and one day they're going to realize it and i'll be out of the picture i don't think i'm going to try anymore to be their friend because we live in different worlds and it takes more than one person to try to keep a friendship going but they don't need my friendship, i need their friendship but it doesn't matter.
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see: sorrow drips into your heart through a pin hole
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Wednesday, February 27, 2008
title: trust me...again

i think i might have mentioned this in a previous blog but...
i was thinking about secrets. when we go through a hard time we have secrets. i keep secret how i feel and what i do. but then if someone figures out what is going on, then it isn't secret anymore. that made no sense. okay so let's say that you have a secret, then someone finds out and it's pretty much public. this isn't like a bad secret or anything, just a secret that no one really needs to know. but once they do, you can't ever go back to being secret. i mean people know now. i guess what i mean by a secret is really a secret feeling. this feeling that we get that no one knows about. but if you finally decide to tell someone than you can't ever go back to being secret you know? well sort of. what happens to me is then whoever finds out, forgets about it. but thinks oh it won't happen again. then when you start to feel that way again, there isn't anyone to go to because they have wrote it all off thinking that it's all over. i mean if you need help its sort of a one time thing. no one expects you to fail again. oh my gosh i can not explain this in words. but i guess i have telling people again. i feel as though i should be over this, this shouldn't happen again. but the truth is, it does happen, over and over again. and you just need to find people who are willing to pick you up, clean your wounds and start over. i just have trouble letting people help me. okay so this was definitely a little overboard. no need to read this.
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see: “poets and heroes are of the same race, the latter do what the former conceive.”
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see: only a steel man can be a lover
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Wednesday, February 27, 2008
title: i’ll be seeing you...

grandparents....oh grandparents. i am a person who grew up away from my grandparents and extended family. now for the first time, my mom's parents live in the same town as me. so weird. i don't really have that grandchild relationship with my grandparents. i was fine without them in my town. but now that they are here, they just pop in all the time, unannounced. they just walk right in the door. not even knocking! i love my grandparents, especially my nana, she is just too cute but seriously you can only take so much of oldness. i don't have anything against old people just my grandparents. My nana is bi polar so that also factors in. she just checks out sometimes. she'll say the most random things and it is humorous but after a while i just can't stand it. especially when i am in a bad mood. holy cow... it is so hard to be sociable when you are in a bad mood. hard times. well i love my grandparents and they make me laugh but... sometimes living in the same town can really be too much.so you know what i hate? people who cut in lines... yeah so today i was standing in the "pizza pocket" line and i got a pretty nice place in line, yeah definitely stood there for like twenty minutes because people kept cutting in front of me. but you know what i hate more than people who cut in lines? the fact that i let them. yeah i am a nice person if i say so myself but sometimes i just wish i was one of those really "mean" people who tell people exactly what they think of them. the reason i put "" around mean is because are those really mean people? i mean just because they tell us what we don't want to hear doesn't qualify them as mean does it? no i don't think so. i mean there are certain times when you really just don't do that but seriously i think more people need to say what they are thinking. not like i do that cause i don't. i say what people want to hear not necassarily what they need to hear. anyway... just a bad piece of a bad day. oh and by the way school is pointless... yeha just thought i'd throw that in there. i can think of a million reasons why i just can't process them into written thoughts. thanks for reading...
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Thursday, September 27, 2007
title: keep breathing

when i get in a serious mood and start to think about serious stuff, i get this weird feeling. it's sort of like i'm about to cry but i'm not sad. it is really weird. sometimes i think about life, i know hard to believe but yeah. do you ever feel like your life is just at a stand still? or at a crossroads but it is way to confusing to make a decision? i do, but like making a decision would just be too uncomfortable in the long run so i just sort of stand in my life. moving forward but with no real meaning. or i convince myself that i'm not even at the crossroads that i've moved past and it never even happened. but then something happens that reminds me that i am standing there and i've got to make a decision...

everything is meaningless

as i'm applying to college...i've realized i've gotten myself into some pretty deep shit. just having to write a religious statement for spu has caused this massive earthquake, or more like heartquake.

i feel my whole entire body physically rejecting the task. i don't want to face this, i don't want to have to think about it. i definitely don't want to have to write about it and have to show my parents, my teacher, and some random group of people at spu.
but why is this?

why is it that i can't write a simple 300 word essay about why i am a christian? i feel like by not being able to do this, i completely fail at my entire life...
like i feel like people have this certain view of me, and it is the christian me...if they knew how i feel, that view would be blown to pieces...

i can't let that happen. i can't face this, not right now. i just want to bury it and never have to think about it again.i sit in front of the computer screen with that damn cursor blinking and blinking, egging me on. it blinks, mocking my pain.

this is so much bigger than me.