first day of college.

i hate it. college. my life. i hate it. there are moments when i love the fact that i'm alive, but that doesn't mean i love the life i'm living.

i feel like i just had super high expectations or something. and they all came crashing down. in fact, i think i can still hear them falling, failing, screaming 'fuck you' all the way down.

maybe it was the fact that i got in my car [the same car i've been driving for that last three years]
or that i then drove the same roads i've been driving for the last four years. or maybe it was the fact that i talked to maybe four people today. including: the financial aid lady who so nicely told em that i had been standing in the wrong line for that last fifteen minutes, the librarian who showed me where my next class was, and the girl who made my peanut butter energizer smoothie. that's three people. 3! wow...what an excellent start.

so now, i'm sitting here pondering why the heck i'm even doing this to myself.
a) the alternative really isn't appealing. [nothing is appealing]
b) society has decided that really you need a master's degree in order to do anything besides flipping burgers at micky d's. or as it were, making pizzas at little caesars.
which actually, as exampled (?) by my mother, the master's degree doesn't exactly get you your dream job. maybe it's a doctorate that you need in order to be content with your life and avoid the sucking pit of little caesars and disappointment.
c) avoid responsibility and the ticking crocodile as long as possible.

i mean really, what is the purpose of this?
i don't know.

so over all, i don't mind my classes [okay, that's a lie]
the real reason for all this anger is...
i'm lonely.
the whole day, i just wished i could have a friend with me. someone i knew.
not some girl i went to high school with but really we never actually talked.
someone i really knew. a friend.

and the most horrible thing is...i don't know how to fix it.
i know what you all would say..."well michelle, you're just going to have to say hi to someone"
but you know what?
i'm throwing an all out two year old kicking, screaming, crying, beating the floor, tantrum.
yelling: I DON'T WANT TO.

life shouldn't be this hard.

april 29, 2007: the end of a friendship.

title: april 29, 2007

i finally took down the pictures in my room.
the memories.
they're gone now.
the classic one. my tongue is out. your hair is huge. the ice cream is practically overflowing with cavities.

it's gone.
i couldn't look at them anymore.
they were taunting me.

i go on walks sometimes. around the neighborhood.
it's like i can't get away. every spot has a memory.
the spot where i totally tripped over myself and lost my shoe.
the corner where we met everytime.
the spot where you told me you couldn't be my friend anymore.
the same place where i told you i cut myself.

the swings. the swings where we shared our hearts, gossiped and grew up together.

i go to these places with someone else now. and so do you. but each time, i remember.
and each time...i try hard to forget.

you're a different person now. all tattooed and pierced.
searching for something.

i'm not even sure i want to know that person.

i took the pictures down.
and i forgot our memories.