I can’t do this anymore. I feel like I’m going to start crying all the time. I though it was just a phase but it has lasted for like two weeks. This depressing mood. It is starting to scare me. I’m starting to feel some of those old feelings again. Sometimes late at night, I think about it. I stop myself, but the fact that I’m thinking about it really scares me. I’m getting that feeling like I really need to talk to someone, but every time I try, I fail miserably. I don’t bring it up. I don’t even know how. Especially now, I feel like I should be able to talk someone, but I feel like I need to be super happy and fun all the time. But I don’t even know how to bring it up. I don’t want to tell them everything, I’m too scared. I feel like they wouldn’t know how to handle it. It’s like this volcano. It is going to explode. I keep burying things deep down. And I know I need to let it out, I just don’t have the time or energy. I also don’t know who to talk to. I don’t want to talk to my parents. I tried it didn’t really work. I kind of want to talk to someone who doesn’t know me. But I don’t know who. And I feel like if it was the right moment and the right time, maybe I could talk, but I don’t want to ruin anyone’s mood or mess anything up. I am just really scared.
When I got my UW letter, I felt like I got slapped in the face. I was really confused and frustrated. Then I appealed, gathering all of my confidence again. Then I got rejected again. Slap in the face number two. Now it feels like I’m getting slapped in the face every time I have to tell someone that hopefully I am going to go to Eastern. I haven’t even been freaking accepted yet. I have no plans. Who knows I may not be going to college. Because according to how things have been going lately, nothing I planned and nothing I want to happen is going to happen. Like absolutely nothing I have planned for myself is going to happen. That is really hard to swallow. Like sometimes I’ll get little reminders of something I want to do, and I’ll think to myself, oh I can do that when I go to college. Oh wait…I’m not leaving. I’m not doing anything. I’m stuck here. I didn’t plan this.
Practically everyone I know has a plan and life is going good for them except for me. I really hate it. I feel so alone. When I think about after graduation, I don’t see anything. I can’t see past next Friday at all. I don’t even have a job because I fail at that too. I applied at this one place where I would really like to work, but I feel like just because I do want to work there, I won’t get it, because nothing I want is happening for me.
I hate that I am so closed off to everyone. I hate that I’ve done this to myself. Like I have no one to talk to and it is all my fault. Like, I usually try to find an answer, I will feel completely hopeless, then I will have a good cry and night of breaking down and then I will figure out an answer. But I cannot find an answer. I can’t think of anything that will make me satisfied for now. It never ends, this disappointment never ends.
I have never felt so hopeless before. I had always looked to college as a big change, as a change to something better. Like my life here will end, and something new will start. I will be a new person. But that isn't going to happen. That is the worst part, not knowing when this feeling will go away. I just want it to end. I want for everything to be alright.
