i don't know what i'm doing...

started: march 31, 2009.

some people call me resilient,
but i'm not sure i know what that means.
maybe it's like that saying 'i'm rubber and you're
glue and whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks
to you'

but...to me that just sounds like cowardice.
like i'm too big to face my pain, so i'm just going
to pretend like it didn't happen. is that admirable?
i don't think so.
but because of this 'label' i feel incredibly stupid
when i don't feel resilient. when i let something affect
me.

did i cry when i was rejected from uw?
yes.
yes, i did.

i feel like i just got slapped in the face. or shot in the heart.
i think what hurts the most is, that for all my applications,
you have to write papers boasting about yourself, about
how you are SO awesome, and you totally deserve to go
to this school. it took me a long time to get to that place where
i actually believed that. i believed that i was special.
it took a long time to get there. it was very hard.
so as time went by, waiting for a response, i would think
of all the people i knew who had been accepted, and i
would think of all the ways i was better then them and then
i convinced myself i would surely get in.
but i didn't.
i didn't!
and for a single moment, i thought i was special and unique
and good enough. for a moment, i felt like something good
would happen.

restarted: april 21, 2009

so...about three weeks later, and i have yet to write this damn appeal. i don't know what is stopping me. i've lost my motivation.
i've realized i didn't have this huge passion to go to uw. i mean, i wanted to go there, but as i think about, i have absolutely no
idea why. especially when comparing all the schools together: uw, seattle pacific, and western, there really isn't a huge draw to
any of them. basically, wherever i go, i'm going to be completely out of my comfort zone. i'm going to have to step it up, and i don't really want to do that.

the worst part is trying to explain all this to my parents. when i'm dealing with stuff, i don't really talk about it. this just kills my parents.
they circle around like vultures, just waiting for a vulnerable moment. then they dive in. especially my dad. when i want to talk, i'll talk, but
then he just takes it one step further, and i completely regret ever opening my mouth.

i feel like i was moving so fast. like senior year started, and i was all into my classes, and i was on top of all my college applications
(apparently not enough however) and then second semester started, and it all just kind of slowed down. not in a good way.
it just got extremely hard to be responsible. the whole waiting period began, and i just kind of lost my momentum.
then i thought everything would be done and decided by now. and then this whole uw thing screwed everything up. now i have to keep going,
and i don't think i want to.

it's not like i'm tired. i sort of am now. but it's more like i have a life. i haven't had one for so long.

because of this appeal, it's caused me to really evaluate my life. which includes digging up feelings, emotions, that i'd buried as far away as possible.
it's been interesting, but more painful than anything. my parents don't really understand how huge it is. i could do a half-ass job but i don't do things
that way. i can't not tell the truth.
so i was sick for a long time. which i have to explain. not fun.
but what was really hard, was getting better. it's not all kicks and giggles.
i was so sick, i kind of stepped out of life for awhile. but the thing is, my life didn't stop for me. it's not like everything just waited for me to care again.
as i started to come back to my life, i awoke to a dead life. my relationships had grown dry. i was completely
disconnected.

so i'm just now starting to fix everything. i don't want to leave it. it would screw everything up again.
i think the conclusion is: i don't know.
i don't know what i'm doing now.
i don't know what i'm doing two months from now.
i don't know what i'm doing ever.
i don't know.

this whole thing is confusing, and definitely more for me. so you can just not read it. ever.