i don't belong here, i will carry a cross and a song where i don't belong

fear: an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger.

i am scared. i've never felt so scared in my life.
i'm not scared like there's a zombie outside of my door.
but scared like nothing is ever going to be the same.
scared like this is my life, and i have no idea what is happening.
i am scared.
and i wish i could just tell someone everything. without offending them, or worrying them.
i just want to let it out. without any consequences.
i don't want to offend them, or worry them, or affect their decisions.
but i'm scared. i'm scared to leave. but i'm scared to stay.
but i can't stay. i feel it everywhere i go. i don't belong here.
but i can't see myself anywhere. i don't know where i belong.
there's a quote i like, "between hurricane and harbor"
i feel exactly like this, and the truth is i've felt like this for the better part of six years.
and sometimes i feel like i'm being pulled into the hurricane.
and i don't want to go towards the harbor.

i'm hoping to transfer to seattle next year.
i've sent in my applications for seattle pacific university and the university of washington.
i've decided i don't want to go to uw. it's huge. too big for me.
so i'm leaning towards seattle pacific university.
for a lot of reasons.

now that i've sent all the stuff in (miraculously)
i can't even bear to think that i might not get in. i mean, everyone tells me i probably will.
but i don't even want to think yes or no. last time i thought yes and was shot down.
now i'm too scared to think i could get in. but i'm even more scared of being rejected for the third time. i really feel like if i don't get in, i might break. and i truly will lose my life here in spokane.

the main reason i need to go somewhere is because i can't stand being here.
lately i've been slowly convincing myself to stay here.
and as easily as i can do that, i know it's the wrong thing.
i just know i don't belong here.
it is so clear to me sometimes. i don't belong in the church i'm in. i don't belong at the school i go to. i don't belong in the room i live in. i don't belong anywhere.
i just want to know where i do belong. instead of being on this middle ground.
and now, i care about other people's opinions. instead of being all about me.
there's someone else involved. and he's facing his own future.
but.
i feel like i can't tell him what i think about his future, because
the way i feel could change everything.

the way i see it:
if he goes, we have a chance at staying together.
if he stays, i don't see how it can work.

and that's one of those things you just cannot say out loud. i feel like that's a horrible thing to say. but it's true.

i feel like if he stays in spokane, he'll never get out, and as selfish as it might sound,
i do not want to get stuck in spokane.
but i don't want tell him that because i don't want to say goodbye.
the more i'm with him, the more i fall in love with him.
and it was easier last year, because i thought i was going to be leaving.
but now, i feel too involved. in a horribly wonderful way. i'm too attached.
now i've made it sound like a bad thing. but really it's been a wonderful thing for me.
he has saved me. he really has.
for a while i was searching for the reason i was being 'punished', why i was still here (in spokane).
and i think i've found him. or at least a really big part of the reason.
and i can only hope i've helped him as much as he has helped me.
i can only hope he knows how much i love him.